Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.