Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits