Goat cheese is for herders.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job