Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
You Might Also Like
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat