If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*