Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
felt that
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.