My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
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[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.