I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.