When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
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Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Mornin
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry