[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Don’t talk down to me
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*