If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Ah yes. The three genders
inside you are two wolves
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership