Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
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The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
It鈥檚 a bird, it鈥檚 a plane, it鈥檚 a chick that鈥檚 gone insane
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
catch me on valentine’s day like
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it鈥檚 ok. I鈥檒l be gentle
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They鈥檙e bloody awful
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I’m dying louder than usual today.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 馃憥
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
FIANC脡: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.