Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
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[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
catch me on valentine’s day like
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …