Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.