World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
You Might Also Like
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)