[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Cow it started Cow it’s going
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
This guy’s not having it 😆