Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
You Might Also Like
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.