There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
True?
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower