Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The news is so predictable nowadays
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
#milo