SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.