Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
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been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Animal poetry
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!