No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
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My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog