If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Bond. Trauma bond.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
When you kidnap a writer.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did