The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive