“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
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Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please