before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?