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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
this is the best day of my life
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?