My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
You Might Also Like
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I have so many questions.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Just a bush.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.