Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“no gods no masters” = leo
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I think this should do it.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good