I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
this country is so goddamn polarized
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
No way!