Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
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Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Meow
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.