The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
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[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point