Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
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hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
(by @ZachWeiner )
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Who does Amazon think I am?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews