evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
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I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Room with a view.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.