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I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
omg leave her alone
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Love this guy