Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
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Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My love language is deader than Latin
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy