good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside