doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
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her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!