Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
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Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
crazy
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Me: Same
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*