Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I’m ready for Halloween this year
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry