men what’s stopping you from looking like this
You Might Also Like
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
The Birdles
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
craving $300 all of a sudden
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.