Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
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I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Pringles
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden