God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school