*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Warm pools make me nervous.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
My last name is Zilla.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool