I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
You Might Also Like
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket