A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
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It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
jesus, what did this guy do
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.