AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
A completely valid reaction tbh
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
DOOO EEEET
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.