I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
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It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…