Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
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Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
can’t believe I got front row seats
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.