[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.